Serving the Eviction Notice: The Party Has Started!

Well, the pharm party has started! I just took my Reglan 30 minutes before I am supposed to start the big fun with the Golytely. Reglan is prescribed to help ward off the nausea that is supposed to be part of the party-starter that is Golytely. My sister, Mrs. Big Cox, calls this my “coming out” party, because lots of my parts will be coming out. Since they will be no longer a part of the apartment building that is my body (not really a temple, but not too far off) tomorrow at this time, I should pay the proper homage and say goodbye to each organ that has served me for the past 46 years.

My Downstairs Girls have been like horrible tenants that can’t be evicted. The Ovaria Twins backed up for a long time, never ‘paid’ the rent on time, and were generally undependable. For months and years I tried to figure out their cycle, and JUST when I thought I’d figured it out, they’d change their pattern of abuse. You know these type of b!tches–every month at a certain time on a certain day they play havoc in your life. You document the havoc to try to figure out their pattern of abuse–after all, if there could be a law suit, there has to be documentation. Your calendar is marked with secret symbols that catalogue when and how exactly they got nasty, ready to share it with the authorities. But The Twins are crafty. As the aging process begins, The Ovaria Twins have a midlife crisis and start playing with the temperature of your personal environment, making every room you enter hotter than the next. The Ovaria Twins are not even discriminating about how they screw up your life. Got a big event planned? Don’t let the Twins know or, like the conniving shrews they are, they’ll tell their friend Utery. Together, they create a hostile gynecological environment.

Utery and I have only been on speaking terms for an 8-month period in 2004-2005 when she finally condescended into keeping a tenant who is now, thank G-d, a beautiful, smart, determined 6-year old boy. How many times before and after did she disappoint E and I? Letting us think there would be a sibling, a partner in crime for our darling boy only to be disappointed when she rejected the zygote’s rental application. Again and again, month after month Utery would play the ‘now she is, now she isn’t’ game. Then Fibrodia moved on to Utery’s block and all Hell broke loose–they way they fought! The pain they put me through in the middle of the night with their cramping disagreements! The events I missed because I could never predict when those two would send me into the bathroom for hours at a time.

The Falopia Sisters, since they are attached at the hip with the Ovaria Twins, are outa there also, just on principle! Cervixa hasn’t behaved too much better, and now I find out she was harboring a fugitive, Endometriosis. Fortunately for her, however, her sentence has been commuted, and she will be allowed to stay in her current home. However, she will have Endometriosis removed and burned to death through cauterization as a warning to anyone else who tries to rent space in my downstairs apartments.

Thirty minutes have past, and it is now time for me to take my first glass of Golytely! I should be ‘trippin’ balls’ soon, as the kids say… time will tell if the name is a descriptor or the cruel joke of advertisers with too much time on their hands. To my girls downstairs, while I appreciate how you’ve tried your hardest to keep me on my toes since I was 12 years old, it is time for the games to stop. While I might miss the femininity you bring to me, I will not miss the pain, nor the emotional roller coaster that are your monthly visits. As they say in the old country, “Gie gezunt”..

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