Evicting the Girls Downstairs

So, this morning, I am beginning the process of evicting The Girls Downstairs. You know, my frenemies Ovaria, Fallopia, Utery, and Cervy. They have been a constant source of angst and tzuris in my life. Even so, I approach the loss of my “female parts” much more than I did their sisters, The Girls Upstairs. But why, you ask, especially when they have failed me so, so many times in my life, have caused me so much pain and discomfort, why on earth would I be nervous about beginning a new chapter in my life? The main reason? I fancied myself like Sara Eemainu, and had always thought I would have another child later in life. Evicting The Girls Downstairs guarantees that will NEVER happen.

However, evicting this horrible b!tches from my body is supposed to be liberating! I will no longer have to worry a out my monthly “visitor” that so often has left me in pain and bedridden. No longer will I have the awful angioedemic swelling that has become a common monthly companion. The trade, however, is bittersweet, knowing my uterus will never again be kicked with enough force to make me pee my pants just a little bit. Even though I’ve only had one pregnancy that has yielded a child, there have been many more that have stayed just a little while, just enough to give me a little hope that I could give my son a sibling. Without my boobies, it was still possible. When The Girls Downstairs go, it will be a medical impossiblitily.

So, in about an hour, I will undergo an endometrial biopsy, the first step in my DaVinci transvaginal hysterectomy/oopherectomy. Next week will be more fun-filled adventures, including blood work, a colon cleanse prep kit, the explosion of my toilet, followed by 24 or so hours in the hospital. Afterward, I will again have to avoid housework for 6-8 weeks. And because I am SO ready to leave CancerLand, November 15 will be New Hooter Day when I exchange the temporary rocks I’ve been carrying on my chest for new, squishy sweater sisters. After that, I should be able to rest a bit before I return to my regularly scheduled life.

Hopefully, I will be able to dance with the Torah this Simchat Torah as I evict The Girls Downstairs and say goodbye to the pain and problems that have been caused by too much estrogen. Lets hope 5772 is a complete hiatus from hospitals. With all the lousy tenants evicted from the apartment, all should be just fine. While I will lose the opportunity to become Sara Eemanu, I will hopefully gain more time to become Miri, Eema shel G.

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